Date: Wed, 18 Mar 2000 17:52:06 -0800
To: J.L.
From: C.B.
Subject: Fwd: NO PUPPETS?

Inside word on the Negativland TRUE/FALSE tour puppet show segment is that the American Puppeteer's Union rep, after recently viewing the presentation, demanded that the union puppeteers get extra security assigned to them to protect them from possible demonstrators due to the provocative nature of the presentation. Turns out this extra expense may force the puppet show to be dropped from the tour as too expensive for an already overstrained budget, but others have used the word,"censored" to describe the situation.

C.B.

Date: Thu, 19 Mar 2000 14:02:42 -0800
To: Omer Edge
From: Rev. Tilt Reptillion
Subject: Fwd: TIME ON OUR SIDE?

Leland Googleburger, on the tour to handle "The UFO problem, should it arise," has enigmatically suggested that the TRUE/FALSE tour will be traveling through not only space, but also time. Now resting up at home after concluding the grueling road trip that is just about to begin, he believes the kind of alien music Negativland is known for will attract unidentified aerial displays over the route, which indeed happened, but will not be photographed as planned due to the usual "dead battery" problem. Googleburger's other predictions concerning the recent tour remain mysterious and apparently cannot be revealed until everybody involved catches up with "now," but he allows there was/will be some kind of "confrontation" in a rural hotel operated by pale humanoid androids of uncertain origin. "Sure, laugh it off if you want to..." said Googleburger, long after this will begin, "But I'm going to have seen it!"

Date: Mon, 16 Mar 2000 20:41:14 -0800
To: (Recipient List Suppressed)
From: Crosley
Subject: DICK PROBLEM

Pastor Dick, originally hired to present only the tour's opening TRUE/FALSE prayer and convocation, is now demanding not only particularly hard to find South American nut buds for his pet squirrel (which he apparently refuses to be separated from) on the venue riders, but is also suddenly refusing to appear in any club or travel in any plane serving alcohol. However, this charismatic hypocrisy just doesn't fly. Showing up at a recent rehearsal, both he and his squirrel were, as usual, stinking of cheap gin and bad mouthing the content of the show. He and the rodent stormed out during the big MERTZ rave-up after incoherently shouting something about "The Devil's mental supplement..." Several of the band's fabled stage sheets had to be quickly replaced due to the uncontrollable squirrel's non-stop peeing, and before skittering out on the Pastor's unsteady heels, it viciously bit the minidisk player on the shin who now must remain in the hospital under a rabies watch for the first swollen leg of the tour. If this is religion, who needs it?

C.B.

Date: Thu, 19 Mar 2000 03:03:03 -0800
To: ALL
From: TRUE/FALSE Paralegal Dept.
Subject: ILLEGAL LIGHTING

Enrico Gomez, formally director of all TRUE/FALSE tour lighting, was recently surprised on a stepladder by Federal Immigration Agents who hustled him off to a holding cell to await trial for flashing over 200 young women at a recent Chopping Channel concert. After spending several hours in the complete darkness of his cell, he flipped out like a refried bean and jumped a guard delivering his dinner while screaming latin insults about poor seasoning. He was subdued with large servings of pepper spray and the recharge is now salt and battery. Upon being notified of this, the ever ready band decided to light themselves with flashlights and avoid the language barrier altogether. Sounds funny, but it's absolutely true.

TRUE/FALSE Paralegal Dept.

Date: Wed, 22 Mar 2000 11:49:43 -0800
To: R.L.
From: C.B.
Subject: EMERGENCY MISTAKE (Was RE: BREAKING NEWS)

Dick Goodbody, in charge of tour vehicles, reports some temporary employees and/or sabotage agents succeeded in ripping out the entire interior of one tour van and intentionally or mistakenly reinstalling it all in the other van. Now one van is ruined. The tour may be delayed, and a few whispers of "cancellation!" are being heard around the control bunker. Mr. Goodbody. is now back at the Auto Hive frantically buzzed on crank and looking for parts.

C.B.

Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2000 11:31:32 -0800
To: (Recipient List Suppressed)
CC: Butt
From: Crosley
Subject: NO WEATHERMAN?

If this gets past, I'll be surprised. I'm spreading this news now only because it hasn't been revealed by anyone else yet and it's about time. The Weatherman has been deceased for over 4 years now (!) but Negativland has been keeping it a professional secret, relying on past Weatherman vocal treatments to fill out their CDs with his voice, and using 6 year old videos to simulate his presence on stage. Now Mr. Wills' only living relative, Big Butt, is threatening to sue Negativland for over popularizing a long dead master, her attorney calling it, "an offensive monumentalizing of unreality." The tour is now up for grabs since it would collapse if the Weatherman's lengthy 180-G segment has to be removed, which Butt's attorney is demanding.

C.B.

Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2000 09:12:14 -0800
To: Don
From: Richard
Subject: J.L. NAZI MENACE

The web guy, Herr Land is in one of his notorious German sulks and probably now rewriting these notices to suit his own propaganda purposes. Not allowed on the tour because there is no room in either van for his extravagaJont goose stepping, which he practices even while sitting, and because no one wants to listen to more of his incessant tirades against "the Jewish website problem," he now appears to be substituting his own deranged "jokes" for the legitimate tour notices being submitted by the Negativland organization. Please ignore any statements in these notices such as, "Kill the gypsies," "Fuck the Jew bankers," "We had the best uniforms by far," "A few more months and we could have screwed them over with that jet," and, "That big mouth faggot Dave Emory better watch his back." I say good riddance, and just get the website credit card thing going!

R.L.

Date: Tue, 21 Mar 2000 18:53:31 -0800
To: Everyone But Mark
From: P.M.
Subject: THE SCRAMBLED MIND OF MARK

Negativland founder and all around mother of a hen, Mark Hosler, is running around like his head has been cut off in preparation for this final breakup tour. Describing the tour as "putting all our eggs in two vans and then sitting on them," he has become a virtual basket case. His fowl temper and frequent stress tantrums now worry some of our initially cocky investors because any one of his several life threatening nervous ailments could drop him dead right on stage just as sure as if shot by a disgruntled fan enraged by the band's politically ill advised choice to play swanky, egghead establishment venues with seats, which is also possible.

P.M.

Date: Tue, 21 Mar 2000 19:24:13 -0800
To: Negativland
From: Don
Subject: WISH I WAS HERE

OK, I'm not going. Sorry, but I've thought long and hard about this and I can't afford to miss 2 months of OTE because (1) that Puzzling Evidence guy has been eyeing my timeslot for years, and (2) where do you think most of the material for Negativland product comes from? OTE being off the air is like having a cash cow without nipples - an udder disappointment. Besides, it's a hell of a lot more fun than having to share a cramped van with that lush, Pastor Dick and that vicious squirrel.

D.J.

Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2000 21:03:51 -0800
To: Negativland
From: Enrico
Subject: GRUPO QUE SE ENCENDERÁ MAL

No podía encontrar todas las luces suaves que fueron solicitadas. Sé que varios miembros del grupo desearon un efecto de Barbara Walters que continuaba, pero usted tendrá que colocar para las 30 lámparas del suelo del halógeno que acabo de comprar. No ponga los setlists en ellas, ellos se quemará para arriba por la 2da consonancia de la "cubierta" de DEVO.

E.G.

Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2000 21:03:51 -0800
To: Touring Personnel
From: P.M.
Subject: KEEP AN EYE ON RICHARD

Don't let Richard get too riled up, as he's just threatened to wear the same pair of pants every day on the second tour leg as he wore each day and night on the first leg, although we're damn fortunate he put them on at all. A laundry stop remains out of the question as you all know, so he really must be playfully but firmly encouraged to change his clothes at least once each week. And watch out for his hemophilia. It's one thing if those awful t-shirts bleed, but if it's Richard, we're in real trouble.

P.M.